Longing
by Lady Eve
Summary: Trowa and Middii learn something about forgiveness.


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing and its characters nor the poem done by Matthew Arnold. I do own the plot of this story.

Longing

By Lady Eve

A.C. 207

A cold wintry day in the city of Paris greeted a tired and weary soul as she exited the warm café shop. The lonely figure tightened her soft beige fur coat around her shapely five foot two inch frame as she walked down the sidewalk. Her brisk walk gave no clue to any onlooker that she destination to go to. The sound of her echoing footsteps did not fail to make the young woman aware of how empty her life had become.

It was not easy to live with the knowledge that her young life's work had caused others pain and sorrow. She was only ten years old on her first assignment which resulted in the deaths of a group of mercenaries. The passing of a decade and two years did not erase the lone survivor of the massacre, a boy who called himself Nanashi. His face haunted her dreams and was burned into her memory every time she stepped into the shoes of a spy. Nanashi had become her conscience that eventually led her to leave the destructive life she was leading. She did so in good time for it was only a year later that the agency she worked for had been destroyed in a merciless attack by enemy forces. But one thing always eluded her, it remained out of her reach not matter how much she scrambled to grasp it in her desperate hands. She wanted forgiveness from the first person she had wronged.

"I long for peace and I am not worthy to obtain it from the one person who most likely hates me the most," thought the young woman.

The laughter of young children attracted the attention of the young woman as she walked by a frozen pond in the middle of a park decorated with goldenrod twinkling Christmas lights. It gave the park an atmosphere of peace and romance. Romance? That thought brought a slight smile to the young woman's face, who would fall in love with a tainted person like her? She had never felt as unwelcome in her life as she continued to look at the heartwarming sight. A sigh escaped from the woman's poppy red lips as she at last sat down on a bench facing the frozen pond. She continued to watch the group of children play with tender interest. They reminded her of her three younger brothers who were out working with the Preventers in Luxembourg. It was a heart wrenching reminder that she was going to spend the Christmas holidays by herself.

A shy tap on her knee brought her out of her reverie as a pair of innocent soft brown eyes greeted her with a look of concern that only a child could give.

"Lady, why do you look so sad?" asked the timid little voice.

"I look sad?" asked the young woman softly.

"Yes, you looked so sad." came the serious reply. "Does no one want to be your friend?"

"I was just thinking about some things."

"Do you want to play with us? Please lady, we will have so much fun together."

"I guess that won't be so bad."

"What's your name? I shouldn't talk to strangers."

"Who told you that?" asked the young woman, only slightly amused.

"My mommy."

A chuckle escaped the young woman's lips as she answered, "I very smart lady, your mother. My name is Middii and aren't I a stranger?"

"A sad lady like you isn't bad and you already told me your name."

"Sad people aren't always good even if they tell you their name."

"But you are not, my name is Hope. My mommy gave that name to me when I was little."

"I see how old are you now?"

The little girl counted her fingers to four and held them out for Middii to see.

"That's a mighty long time." Middii teased gently.

The little girl giggled and grabbed Middii's hand without fear, pulling her into the middle of the pond. One of the older children handed Middii a pair of skates while the others skated in circles around her. Middii quickly tied on the skating boots and tentively joined the children; their complete trust in her was disturbing. They knew nothing about her. She was sure the children had no idea that she was once a ruthless killer, yet they welcomed her with open arms. Just this once she wanted to be like them with no care for the world and an open future ahead of her.

Middii smiled and started to skate in circles along with the children. The children's carefree laughter was contagious that Middii barely noticed her own laughter. She was one of them in this moment in time and all that mattered was having the best time in her life. So the hours passed by unnoticed with all kinds of games that Middii allowed the children to beat her at.

But alas, good times must come to an end as one of the older kids finally announced that it was time to return home. Middii felt her heart plummet as she silently watched the kids go. Hope turned around at the last minute and waved goodbye as her brother pulled her away. Middii remained still in the middle of the pond with no thought of what to do next. She slowly looked around and realized that the peaceful atmosphere of the pond had not left. She couldn't leave right away and the skates on her feet beckoned to be taken for a nice run on the ice.

Middii gracefully skated to the middle of the frozen pond and struck an elegant pose with her head bent gently to the right while her arms hugged her chest. There was no music playing near the pond but that didn't matter to her, she could skate to her own music that played only within her heart.

She held the position for a couple of seconds and with a gentle push of her blades, Middii glided across the ice in a gentle flow. From there, Middii performed a couple of smooth crossovers before gliding on the back outside edge of her left foot a second before she vaulted into the air in three fast revolutions before she landed on the back outside edge of her right foot, arms gracefully stretched out to help her landing. Perfect, the jump felt good, she could still do an adequate triple lutz jump.

Middii instantly gained speed by doing a series of circular foot work sequences accompanied with graceful arm movements that enabled her to attempt a triple salchow with a little one foot turn that allowed her to take off on one back inside edge of one foot and landed on the back outside edge of her other foot after three quick revolutions. This time her landing was a bit shaky and Middii barely managed to hold on to the jump. It didn't matter, skating was one of the few activities she enjoyed and she was able to easily dismiss the mistake. But that was only a fleeting thought as she glided fast on the ice in preparation for a layback spin in which she spun on one foot and leant back from the waist in a beautiful arch of her back with her arms clasped together behind her while her free leg lay parallel to the ice.

Middii skated out of her layback spin in a graceful crossover to the edge of the large pond where she did several quick twizzles and made a smooth transition into a flying camel spin. Her position was in an exquisite arabesque with one leg straight out behind her parallel to the ice while spinning clockwise in four revolutions. She quickly transitioned into a sit spin holding her right free leg straight out in front of her with her left hand while her right arm was placed in a dramatic position above her head. After four revolutions, Middii finished the spin combination with a back scratch spin.

Her spontaneous skating program left her out of breath, it was a good feeling. For once she did something she loved that didn't hold an ulterior motive. Over a decade had passed with nothing but the instinct to survive and it felt good to remember one good thing about her childhood, she could sure skate.

A lone figure watched the young woman finish skating; it did not escape the silent figure that he had not yet been discovered. That only brought a slight frown to his lips. He had seen and felt the peaceful aura of the young woman skating in the pond which he was instinctively sure was a rare moment for the young woman whom he had known once in his childhood. The one visible eye not hidden by his long reddish brown bangs started to show the beginnings of a riot of emotions that only darkened the emerald hues of his eye. This woman he thought he hated frightened him like no other. He didn't know what to do with her, he felt like running from the emotions of resentment and longing that rushed up at him by just looking at her. The control he felt he had over his life seemed to leave him the instant he saw the woman who could bring him to his knees.

He wanted to leave but he couldn't make himself move away. It would only be a matter of time before she became aware of him. Did he want to go to her? Was it better to turn away from her?

At that moment, Middii turned around and their eyes met for the first time in twelve years. She froze instantly as shock and then fear raced through her whole being. Her mouth tried to say his "name" but nothing came out. What was he doing here? She was sure he had been watching her for quite a while by the look on his face. Could there be something he wanted from her?

A slight gasp escaped from her lips as she saw him begin to walk towards her. Her breath came in short pants as she helplessly stood still, nothing on this earth would make her move away at this moment from the man who held her heart since childhood. All she could do was stare at her gloved hands as she finally sensed his nearness. Her heart pounded so hard against her chest that it hurt to breathe.

Suddenly, a gloved finger gently lifted her chin so that she finally had to face him up close. Tears welled up in her eyes as she saw the resentment and to her surprise, longing flare up in his beautiful face. Middii didn't know what to do; her heart felt like it was being squeezed tight by the emotions she felt by just staring at him.

Hesitantly, Middii placed her gloved hand to his cheek and fought the lump in her throat as her Nanashi gently rubbed his cheek against her palm.

"I'm so…I'm so s-sorry," said Middii, her voice breaking. "I'm so sorry Nanashi."

Middii closed her eyes as she finally allowed herself to cry for what she had done. Her guilt and tears only increased in intensity as she felt him crush her in a fierce possessive embrace. He didn't need to speak to let her know that she had at last been forgiven. Middii buried her face in his chest, loving the sound of his heart beat against her ear.

At last, Middii forced herself to look into his face and knew that she had found her road to peace.

"Nanashi, what can I do to bring you the peace you brought me?"

"I believe I already found my peace."

"Then why did you approach me?"

"I needed this part of my life resolved."

Middii smiled sadly, "I see."

Middii didn't know what to say, yet she longed to say so many things. She had no coherent way to say what she felt. Middii longed for so many things and got what she wanted in the first place, forgiveness. Yet, that wasn't enough any more. What fitting punishment that now what she wanted most was his love and it looked like she wasn't going to have it. She should have known that was going to happen, nothing ever came easy to her.

Middii swallowed the lump in her throat and let Nanashi go. She gave him the bravest smile she could give him and began to skate away. She sat down at a bench near the pond's edge and took off the skates. Everything was being done in automatic mode as she put on her snow boots. Middii blinked back tears as she placed the skates in a cubby hole where she was sure the little girl Hope would find them.

As she left the park, she turned around and saw Nanashi still staring at her from the bench she had just vacated. She wished him all the happiness in the world, there was no room for resentment in her heart for him. Suddenly, she felt so tired of everything and just wished to go to her apartment. Maybe it was a blessing that she would spend the holidays alone, there would be no one there to try to cheer her up.

"Merry Christmas Nanashi," Middii whispered, knowing full well that Nanashi got her message.

"Middii, if you must call me something, call me Trowa. Trowa Barton."

Middii could only nod, surprised that he now had a name. She was glad to know it.

Middii came home to a lonely five room apartment; it was nicely decorated in Christmas décor but it meant nothing to a lonely soul. Fighting back tears, Middii stared blankly at the Christmas tree with an empty heart. She had Nanashi's forgiveness but she wanted something more and her selfish heart deserved his rejection. The hurt she bestowed on him when they were ten wasn't going to be erased by a simple apology. What a fool she was to think that he would want to see her more than what was necessary. A bitter smile appeared on Middii's lips as she slightly adjusted a falling Christmas decoration on the tree.

The sound of something being slipped under her apartment door placed her on alert. She quickly glanced at the door to see what it was and realized it was a Christmas card of a beautifully drawn angel colored in soft pastel colors. Middii eyed it suspiciously; her instinct told her it was for her but who would give her such an exquisite card? She slowly approached the card and picked it up with great care as if the card were a bomb. A bomb? Now she was being silly.

The card was opened slowly and Middii gasped as a shimmering white rosary fell into her palm. No one had to tell her that the beautiful rosary was pure and solid white gold. Who would give her such an expensive gift? Middii glanced at the card again and saw a carefully written message:

_I know now that you had suffered as much as I. Middii, I wish you a Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year. I would love to meet with you again at the same spot I saw you earlier today. We have much to discuss._

_Trowa Barton_

Tears fell down her cheeks at the romantic gesture; the card not only came with a message, but with a poem from one of her favorite poets, Matthew Arnold.

LONGING

By Matthew Arnold

Come to me in my dreams, and then

By the day I shall be well again!

For then the night will more than pay

The hopeless longing of the day.

Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,

A messenger from radiant climes,

And smile on thy new world, and be

As kind to others as to me!

Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,

Come now, and let me dream it truth;

And part my hair, and kiss my brow,

And say: My love! Why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then

By day I shall be well again!

For then the night will more than pay

The hopeless longing of the day.

Who knew that her usually silent warrior had a tender and romantic soul? Middii smiled at that thought. Yes, she would go and meet him; there was no way she would be able to resist. There were no words she needed from him, his actions and emotions she saw spoke volumes when he could not.


End file.
